not for me

I know myself for taking things too seriously sometimes, especially if I know it has become important to me. I guessed I had enough for the past few days. Writing this may help me reduce that weird and stupid feeling that i have, for now.

I’m a newbie with this kind of stuff and  I guess it is not really for me. I am not good in socializing with people whom I do not really know. Stranger danger they say. However, you cannot avoid others that’s why friendships and relationships happen. With the right people, I can be very very comfortable. I may not be able to express fully my concern but, my mind wants me to type things even it’s purely illogical now, as you do not know what I’m talking about. Anyway, this experience is just one of those collective stupid things we do in order to understand life, and human relationships. I’m just being too hard on myself that adds stress, instead of energy and which should not be the case because I should have known what I signed up for.

I guess I just feel sad and I hope you can read this now and make me understand that things aren’t always going my way. Yeah I’m now talking to you up there, why do you need to leave that early? Surely I am now being selfish, as always. I need a psychologist now to keep me from being insane about those seemingly good people turned out as life lessons.I need my best friend now, and it’s sad that I can’t turn to you now. I miss talking to you, rather, we, talking to each other about everything under the sun. I feel stupid now tums, I really do. I can hear you laugh at me and saying things like, “It’s OK tums to feel sad, everything will come on it’s right time” or the classic “Everything happens for a reason and a purpose” but, I still do believe that. Whenever I miss you, I found myself reading your letters to me. You’ve given me this kind of friendship that will not last even if we’re apart. And I know you paved way by giving me trusted friends that I have right now.

Anyway, my human heart can’t take it though, weird, I guess attachment is really in my blood. I get attached too easily, and the next thing I know I find myself detaching from everything. You may think I’m too clingy and obsessive but, that’s not really my issue here. People do and say whatever they want but, they have no right to think everything is a game and can manipulate others cos, unknowing of the intentions, they allow you. They allow you to their realm, their inner most thoughts, your weird dreams and fantasies. Oh I hate myself for trusting even if I know i should not have. Maybe it’s really just in my nature that i would prefer to be treated fairly and honestly the way i treat anybody else. And now i just feel really really weird and stupid.

Each and everyday we meet different sorts of people, either they offer you friendship or not, give you that heavenly cloud nine feeling or make your life miserable as hell. Overall it’s our choices to make and to keep. We decide for ourselves because it’s our ultimate task in this life. We choose what will make us and define us. We have that free will and whatever the effect of the cause we made, it’s our responsibility to stand on our ground or humbly take back those pretending words we blurted out.

Okay I’m being highly irrational now, weird I guess. I’ll just make myself useful and  just wonder for now how things will work out. Oh and I shouldn’t have given a fuss over this. One shot but, I’m done, not for me though.


2 thoughts on “not for me

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