To end in a positive note each year was always my goal, but it seems that every year, I grow and learn more that things will never go my way the way I want it, and too much trying can only lead to disappointments and unsatisfaction because expectations are always greater than what can be achieved in reality. Yet, somehow fascinating was the fact that I had a blast this 2017.
For most people, life is like a one tough nut to crack and sometimes it doesn’t get better. The more you force it, the more the nut inside will be broken. I thought I can not achieve something different in my lifetime. I did and I am still on that journey. Maybe some people think I got everything what I want now, well of course i do, but am I greedy to say that I want more or should I rephrase it that this is not yet all that I need?
For the past two years I was struggling, an inner struggle to not give a fuck to something or someone more than I need too (excuse my language), to look on the better side of life when homesickness strikes, to overcome dependency to other people by loving myself more, deeply and unconditionally.. despite the fact that I got the job I always wanted, I worked with wonderful people who appreciated my hardwork, I travelled and still travelling to the places I’ve been wanting to see, and of course, I got a scholarship on the other side of the world which makes it a lucky strike now..I still sometimes feel the emptiness most people should not have by this stage.. cos that’s what you call fulfillment, of course I am proud of myself because I worked hard on every single thing I achieved by far. And to be completely satisfied, I strived to learn to love myself more and more, still struggling, but still not giving up on it.
I maybe a stubborn and a complete idiot by allowing most people to come always in my life, building a wall up and crumbling it down. A never ending cycle of trust and mistrust. I don’t know if I can still remove that from my system, being vulnerable and showing my inner thoughts to people I feel comfortable.. giving and risking too much..i think, one thing I learned most is that life is too short, to not to care, to not to love, to not to risk. Cos you will not achieve anything in this life if you don’t move at all, even if it will cause you bad or good in the end, as long as you lived your life to the fullest, with your principles and values that make you yourself, I think that is the best way to think and live.
Moving forward, I am truly grateful for all the people who became part and still part of my life. 2017 is one of the best time of my life and I know 2018 will just be greater and fuller. Life has always a gentle way to show that it’s beautiful and in the right time whatever your heart desires, you can achieve it 🙂
happy happy 2018 everyone 🙂