hiatus: the NOW

I know, I should be writing about my thesis at this very moment but, I just needed to think other things because I’ve been lazy and stressed for the past few weeks. Also, I can’t help not to ponder on the current events in my Facebook news feed or I just want to have my way of de-stressing, so please bear with me.

At my age now, people are constantly asking when will be my time. My friends are finally starting new chapters on their lives, getting engaged and getting married. I think for the past few weeks two of my closest friends back home got married, two got engaged and hoping that I will come home next year for their wedding ceremonies. Guess what? I am still unsure if I can go back home and not miss being someone’s bridesmaid. I’m a little sad about it.

The fact that my generation is already late compared to the traditional marrying age, I still cannot fathom that I will go to that way later or maybe sooner but who knows when. I also know that these kind of wedding ceremonies will never happen to me. Maybe years ago I thought already of my simple, intimate church wedding but, things happen and perspectives change after a few years.

Starting a Master’s degree at the age of 27, in a different continent with different kinds of people, was the best and crucial step I had to embarked on. Funny thing, it was not in my long-term plan at all. Everything that happened after going to Singapore, breaking up my longest romantic relationship, going on dates in Tinder, exploring Asia and just going on random trips – alone or with friends, dating my big bear now – made my perspective and attitude in this life a little wider, a little different. Some had judged me while some had tolerated and supported me in my life decisions. I challenged myself to aim a little higher by applying for a scholarship and for a promotion at the same time three years ago. I got it both, carpe diem indeed! But I need to sacrifice one and choose something I will never regret. Being single and travel enthusiast, it was an easy decision to pick. I went to Europe and never let go of the chance to have a Master’s degree.

Fast forward to now, I am struggling to just get over this thesis and have it better than what I have inside my head (lol). To deal with Chemometrics I just learned a year ago and to expand my knowledge on something I may or may not use in the end of this course were life changing. I didn’t knew I can pull it off (at least). Juggling my studies and bureaucracies’ stuff so as not to get off track are also on the top of my piling worries and problems now, but thank God, I’m still surviving.

To be honest, having a no permanent address because I have to keep moving to different places and packing my life in two suitcases (plus a carry-on!) are a pain in the ass as well. I already have brought home two rice cookers, a large box of clothes that I asked my mom to just give away, boxes of souvenirs, puzzles, and paintings from my travels that I long to hang and display in my own home. I gave up my cabinet for my sister because we cannot fit all our things now in our room and technically, I am a transient/cat feeder/Netflix bum whenever I am home so I’m okay with it. I feel like I wanted all these things and experiences to happen to me and I have never EVER regretted the choices I have made but at the same time, I feel that I am extremely tired now. Tired and stressed.

All I want now is to sip a tea or coffee without worrying when will I have to leave a country and if I already have a visa for the next one, or how will I pack my stuff again by sorting out what to keep and what to throw out just to not have an excess baggage. I want to have a permanent address which my friends can send me postcards or just to have my own home to organize my things, to straighten out my life. I know I will start again from scratch after this degree and I still don’t know which step I have to take next. I only know now that the people I care and need the most will always be there. They are still here, near or far. That’s the only certainty I have for now.

Maybe, if you are reading at this point, you ask yourself why am I complaining (if you view it that way) for having these wonderful opportunities around me. To be clear, I never complained being where I am today. Life has brought me to a place where I never thought I could even reach in my dreams. I have been underestimating my capacity because I know myself more than anyone. But, I am grateful to learn more about myself – my limitations, fears, anxieties, and even talent. Maybe today I just got so emotional after watching a yet another same day wedding edits.

Whew! I wish I can be with my close friends as they walk to the altar. I will be glad to have one but maybe I already outgrew the thought and believed that it doesn’t really matter now if I have a ceremony or not. Having that one true connection I always yearn for years is more than enough for me especially with the right balance of forgiveness and love, and a sprinkle of respect, trust and understanding, I will feel perfectly fine not having one or let’s just say I am not going to partake in the traditional manner, but I know I will have that partner who will joyfully and willfully join my life as we embark the madness in this world, together.

 

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